Too Little Too Much

I’m not sure that this is the best idea, but over the years I’ve learned that when I share something sometimes it’s easier for me to let go and feel better about it. Y’all know that’s how Shour came to be; a coping mechanism if you will.

There aren’t many options to what you can do with your feelings. For me it’s either suck it up or let it out. Letting it out though doesn’t necessarily always mean posting about it online and sharing it with half the population. I don’t think I want my entire life to be documented online. And if all that I post makes you believe that y’all know everything about me, hehe sike bitches. So keep reading, til the very end.

LOL. Moving on.

I’m currently playing You & the 6 on replay. Not very valuable info, but good song y’all.

Okay, so, recently I’ve been feeling like a hypocrite. Big one. I have two famous mantras in life: YOLO - I’d rather do something and regret it than regret not doing it and self-love always no matter what. It’s safe to say that YOLO is as good as ever, but self-love?

It’s gotten so bad that at some point (yesterday) I was so close to carving my shit ass heart tattoo off my hip. SeLf LoVE kImMy mY aSs.

I think the reason I got over all the shitty times in my life was because I had such a good relationship with myself. But people constantly coming in and out of my life in such short periods is causing me a hell lot of distress which is horribly affecting Kim and inner Kim’s relationship.

I’m very aware that I am a lot. Maybe too much a lot sometimes. I wasn’t always conscious of that but after I developed my own persona, which is intimidating every once in a while, I started recognizing people’s reactions to me or my presence. And so I learned that Kim is a handful. Maybe two handfuls. Even three.

I’ve always accepted that - even embraced it. But now? I meet people, good start, fun stuff, seems legit, I start getting comfortable, then whatever it is .. poof .. they’re out of my life in a heartbeat. At first I was like okay shizz happens, however, recently it’s becoming unbearable.

Self-awareness is kinda pushing me to believe that people are leaving cold turkey cause of my own doing. It could be, really. I’m not an angel, I doubt anyone is except my mom. But if I ever happen to do something that bothers you or whoever and y’all don’t grow the balls to sit me down and school my ass, have a decent conversation with me, it is with great sorrow I tell you that I don’t have psychic powers. At least not yet. I wish I did though, but until then I honestly can’t magically figure out if I pulled off some stupid stuff. So, like? Tell me? Maybe?

People have different stories, reasons to why they act a certain way or why they are who they are. And that’s totally okay. But it’s not okay once other people have to start putting up with these consequences. I know from my own self, I do some fucked up shit sometimes that ends up being someone else’s problem. That’s not okay. Shit hurts people. And what excuse do guys give you to run away from their own demons and drama? You overthinking. Hell yeah imma overthink this. Any normal person would.

Some days I truly understand humans, others I’m completely clueless. And these last few encounters, I am genuinely clueless about what’s up with our cool, chill, lowkey, no commitment, all-things-online generation. Not a big fan, let me tell you, but to each his own.

I’m not sure I have a lesson or some wise philosophical shit to pass on to y’all, that’s probably more of a self-therapy session for me.

Though, here are a few things I want all of you to know: It’s not okay you start hating or doubting yourself, no matter how ‘much’ or how ‘little’ you are. Being yourself is always okay - unless you are a mean, hateful piece of garbage. Communication can go a very, very long way. Be you and stop being afraid to open up and being human. Also bring back old school romance.

I’m not sure if whatever I said up there is too vague or if it makes sense. I hope it does.

I know this would’ve been cooler if it were some gossip story with juicy details but nah. This ain’t The Warning 2.0 (For those of you who don’t know *looks of disappointment*, The Warning is a diss track Eminem wrote that ended Mariah Carey’s career. As if she had one anyway. You deserve it Mariah, you little b thing.)

That’s just Kimberly being Kimberly. This time letting my emotions out online. Which I haven’t done in quite a while. But sharing experiences is cool!

Love always, Kimberly

Kim MakhloufComment