Moments of Uncertainty

Sometimes you are just confused. Purely and utterly confused. Like you are right now; wondering why I'd start a post by saying that, wondering what I'll be saying next.

A lot of times I come across certain situations or find myself in dilemmas that I don't really want to be part of. It's an issue that I don't want to be involved in or take part of so I very easily let myself out. I leave.

Recently, I've been feeling this bizarre uncertainty regarding anything I do, anywhere I am. I go up each morning to our school cafeteria to have breakfast and I sit there for legit 5 to 10 minutes straight contemplating what to eat even though there are only 4 choices to pick from. I stand in front of my wardrobe for an hour attempting to choose something to wear to go from my room to the kitchen. I even crossed out an answer I had written in my Math exam - which mind you could've got me a 100 - just because I wasn't confident of my solution.

Doubting trivial issues like these might seem normal to you, a totally normal part of everyone's daily life. And I agree. It is. But once these little acts of cowardice start affecting other choices and actions in your life it becomes miserable.

I cannot recall how many times these last 3 weeks my mum would catch me daydreaming, living in my own bubble, or just standing there staring at floor dazed. She'd then ask me what the hell am I so distracted with or flustered about and I'd just gaze blankly at her and say: " I honestly don't know. I just feel lost for some reason." This has been my mood/state/life, whatever you want to call it, lately.

I've pushed writing and publishing this article for a long time because I don't have enough words, vocabulary, or space to explain to you what I am feeling. I've also pushed the publication of many other articles because I have little to no patience to sit and write.

My body is regularly on the verge of shutting down due to extreme fatigue and lack of sleep; an issue I've been battling for years. I skip school sometimes due to exhaustion which also forces me to slack on studies and homework.

I don't go out as much. My friends have decreased from hundreds to barely 4. I feel uncomfortable and irrelevant in the groups of people I sometimes stay with. I let people speak to me the way they want to, make me feel the way the want to, and allow them to validate or dismiss my emotions however and whenever they want to. I go out to places I don't like. I live in a region I feel indifferent to. I tolerate comments and criticism I don't care to hear.

Overall, sometimes, I am so alienated and endure so much excruciating discomfort that all I yearn to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. One of the most common wars I fight are with myself. More specifically my personality and attitude.

We all have a few actions and reactions that are just not popular or nice or charming. Some of us do things or say things that others don't approve of. So sometimes I lash out or probably act foolishly and I get attacked for that. I understand that sometimes it is too much for my friends or family or whoever to tolerate but the rivers of disapproval and venomous slander I receive when they feel attacked or offended is truly distressing and hurtful. Hearing it from these people that are close to me is like a blow to the stomach.

The increasing suicide news and the bullying I witness people endure is driving me nuts. The negligence and denial I observe in parent-child relationships, friendships or even between couples is abhorrent. The carelessness flowing in this universe is distressing. And my role here as an activist in school and on social media, and as a human being in general, is becoming tougher by the minute. No matter what I want to do or say or even feel comes with a huge load of guilt and responsibility. The idea that I preach certain things but behave differently is one I loathe so I try not to go against my morals, throw around hurtful,vile comments or just be an asshole.

Now, it is an accumulation of perplexing sentiments I keep to myself. I stand in the midst of a sea of turbulence. I am torn apart between what I feel, what I do, and what I need to do.

Moral of the story, you might be a prisoner to your own thoughts, surrounded by people you don't want to be around, living in places you detest, eagerly wanting to do something yet society is imposing these limitations on you, but you have the upper hand always.

It's okay if you feel the need to get away from someone, even if he/she held you and stood by you for an eternity. It's okay to stop someone from using you and treating you like crap. It's okay to force people to respect your thoughts, body, and you as a human being who sins. It's more than okay to stand up for yourself and shut down bullies and abusers. It's okay to be you and feel one million and one emotions all at once.

If you need to take action towards a specific situation or person or even yourself in order to live a happy, healthy and prosperous life, go ahead and do it. Follow your instincts; do what your brain tells you to do. You know what is best for you whether it be mental, physical, emotional, sexual, career-wise, etc.. It is an endless, debilitating, yet formidable journey to self-love, acceptance and bliss. Once you put yourself first things change.

You matter most. Once you are able to take care of yourself and revitalise your once bubbly energy and reinvest in the bettering of yourself, you will reach a certain level of unparalleled peace. You won't be able to give this world all the good vibes, love and support it needs until you surround yourself with it first.

To the people who are currently going through a hard, confusing time in your life, to the people who are suicidal, to the people who feel lonely and unheard; you guys are never alone. Look at me now! Any human is susceptible to this vulnerability, fear and loss. You need to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be living happily, doing whatever makes you the most comfortable. Life is full of chances. If you fail once, you can keep trying for as long as you want. Grab this damn life by the balls and softly whisper in its ear " You fucking bastard, I will make it no matter what you throw at me."

Thank you for listening, love bugs! If any of you are struggling with mental illness or suicide I beg you guys to get the help and motivation needed to feel better and start fresh. Below is the link the the Embrace Foundation; it ensures that people with mental illnesses are empowered positively and have the appropriate help, care and resources.

Love, Kimberly