Listen To Yourself

I thought long and hard before putting pen to paper for this one.

After years of suppressing the urge to write about it, fighting the thought of it, being brainwashed into doubting its existence, I've finally grown enough balls -and a whole lot of confidence- to address it.Talking about my past two turbulent years with my mum, my therapist, or my bestie would've been much easier. But I decided to talk to you.

Throughout all my years of life, I've been a somewhat spoiled child. Everyone starting with my parents, to my aunts, their friends, relatives, literally everyone that knew me spoiled me rotten. I've never had/have to ask for anything twice.

I travel every year, visit new cities, even road trip around some areas in Lebanon. I frequent the finest diners, cutest restaurants, most fun pubs. Books, clothes, shoes, electronics, you name it, overflow my closets and shelves. Love? My family alone provide me with oceans of it. Even during all the turmoil in my life I could never stop and think about how much I hate it because I never did. I was always grateful for all the luxury in my life, all the love, and support, the people that surround me.

As I grew a little older, I was still immensely appreciative of everything, but I started to develop an unhealthy, pessimistic chain of thoughts. Around 9th Grade, I became an insomniac which then affected my grades tremendously. Whenever I'd feel depressed or anxious and take a moment to reflect back on life, I'd feel like an asshole; People die every fucking second of starvation, dehydration, cold, poverty and you are here crying like a little, ungrateful bitch. What is your damn problem?

My damn problem was that I didn't listen to myself, to my body, my brain for such a long period that I eventually couldn't stop myself from being sad or morose for some reason.

I've never been suicidal, never cut, never harmed or abused my body in any way. I have an amazing support system that has my back even if the world is falling apart.

I started this post today because someone out there is living a life wwwwaaaayyyyy worse than I could ever imagine mine to be. This person may be suicidal, may have harmed him/herself. He/she might have never had a solid support system. This person could be fighting this on his/her own, or maybe with another human by his/her side but has still failed to manage the issue. I still haven't figured out all my shit yet, but I am determined to.

Maybe you, whoever you are, also want to figure your shit out but don't know how to. This is for you. I never assumed I could talk about some of my own issues to a few hundred souls I don't know. But I picked up the courage to do so. I aspire to reach out to you, to convey my own sentiments in order to show you that you ain't alone feeling bad, anxious or whatever it is that you are feeling.

The thing is I don't want you to lock yourself up in your room. Or become hateful. I don't want you to turn to drugs or alcohol or death. I don't know what secrets you have to keep, and this issue may be bigger than me. But through my own modest journey, I managed to stay alive both mentally and physically by repeating these few things to myself: I have a purpose in life. I will live to serve this purpose. And. So. Will. You.

Your purpose might be to travel 365 days a year. Maybe you'd like to live and have a child. Work with Nasa. Raise chickens next to your house. Collect shoes for 37 years. I don't know. Neither do you, I guess. But we'll survive to discover it together.

No matter how anyone reacted to your story, to your thoughts, to your wants and needs, remember there is no place in the world you will live in or with as much as you'll live in and with Yourself. You. Your body. Your brain.

This is why, regardless of anyone, of anything, seek help. You might go to a therapist. An advisor. A psychiatrist. You could turn to sports, music, school work, reading, sewing, hiking. Anything that will make you feel good. Anything that might revive your spirit, aid you to regain your confidence. Anything that will make living in your body a satisfaction, a luxury instead of a cursed punishment.

Never allow a single soul, or any situation to stop you from taking good care of yourself.

This will be a long journey for anyone who will seek internal peace, love, or happiness. None of these will just happen in a blink of an eye. It's a process. An extremely lengthy, strenuous, but rewarding one.

Maybe your father wanted to help you, your friend, your teacher, your dog, but despite their touching efforts none of them can save you. Maybe because when they were in your place this issue was also taboo. Maybe because they cannot connect to your situation on a level as deep as yours. So you go do it yourself. Do it as soon as you can. Do it when you feel you need to.

I know I might have to keep on writing and posting and preaching for years in order to persuade you to start taking care of your mental health and yourself. It is not as easy as it seems. I still struggle to keep up with my mood, my needs, but I am trying to make things work. Baby steps.

One of the most fragile cases is Depression and Mental Illness. Again, it took me a lot of time to gather this much courage and openly discuss it. I finally decided to do it, to talk about this because lately, I've been seeing a lot of troubled people around me. People who are consistently brought down and bullied, people who know nothing about self-love, people who refuse help, people who want to be in denial, others who are oblivious to what is happening to them, various types of people with neglected troubles. This troubles me.

I am not the most splendid, foolproof, superbly perfect princess ever, I can assure that. I, too, have my own struggles and stress. I spent a lot of time ignoring my body when it called for help and spent a lot of time blocking the conscious in my mind when it also cried for support. Today, I don't disrespect myself anymore when it comes to that matter. I take the time to find the right way out of anxiety and sadness.

It hasn't been the easiest decision ever. I still fall in and out of sorrow or hopelessness every once in a while and I strive to squish my way out. But I am hanging on because it's a life I am determined to live.

So now I am calling all the ones who feel like this is the end for them. Again: The only damn place you will live with and live in for the rest of the years you are given on this earth is You. The only home you will ever know is your brain, your body, your soul.

Trust me, I figured this philosophical shit after a 16-year war with the world I decided I wanted to win. Someone I know used to constantly call me a Grandma whenever I spoke like this , or about anything this deep *insert deep thoughts*.

If you are reading this; Hi there babe!

But I'd rather be an old sport paying attention to myself (and you) and offer help, maybe just moral support, for the sake of others, than be idiotically letting myself and others down.

Do you. Help you. No one else will do that for you.

If you or anyone you know is currently having a hard time coping with depression, suicidal thoughts and such, please contact an adult you truly trust, a therapist you might know or even the Embrace Foundation at the AUBMC. My email is in the blog's Contact page too, if you ever need the help, or just to talk. Feel free to share your version of this too!

This will be my first fearless post related to this specific, turbulent issue.

This issue is one of the dearests to my hearts and I will do everything in my power to keep on raising awareness and supporting the issue. I want you to take this as a sign and start listening to yourself, start helping yourself. Make this your story, your victory.

Love, Kimberly