Genuinely, From the Heart
I’m writing this now with tears rolling down my face.
I feel so overwhelmed, I don’t even know where to start or where I am heading with this. Maybe this is just me writing to inspire someone else, to tell them you aren’t alone, or maybe so that I could let it out in my safe space - a space where no one can judge me, force their opinions on me or mock me.
To be honest, I’ve been putting this journal off for quite some time because I was and maybe still am scared. This is my page and I am free to write whatever I want and express myself however I feel like. But it hasn’t been that easy for me in real life. Each time I try to explain to someone (usually people in my very tight-knit circle) about how bad I feel, my incessant exhaustion, and constant state of emotional sadness, I always get the same answers. It got to a point of ‘Fuck This Shit’.
I don’t think I can really be mad at people for thinking a certain way. It’s unfair. I can’t expect people to understand the situations the way I do or tell me the things I want to heat or live my experiences the exact same way. I got angry anyway.
I got angry because I couldn’t find someone to pull me out of that abyss. I got angry because people couldn’t think of anything to say that would make me feel okay. I got angry because some were mocking me, others attacking me. I got angry because this environment, this society is shallow to the point of floating. I was angry at myself. Big time. And if I tell you that I stopped being angry at all of the above I’d be damn lying.
At a certain phase in my life, I progressed a whole fucking lot. Last year was such a turning point for me. My life was smoother, I felt internally better, my social life was up and running, my school performance was skyrocketing, my body was gaining strength, I wasn’t tired all the time. I felt happy, healthy. I felt fucking wonderful. Peace at last after all these years of suffering.
This is my last year of school which makes me kinda nostalgic and clingy. I decided at the beginning of this year, that I’m going to grab life by the balls and make it my bitch. And that’s what I did. It started so well for me. I had a pact with myself that no matter what I’m going to wake up each morning to the sun kissing my eyes, pretty blue sky, confidence and most importantly positivity. I surrounded myself with extreme positivity.
Everything around me made sense. Even in my really meh moments, I was optimistic. I woke up earlier than usual, made myself breakfast, slept enough - not much, but it was okay - my grades were and still are outstanding.
Things changed. I crawled back to my old habits bit by bit. Now, I get agitated sitting in class for an entire 50 minutes. I can never sleep enough, it becomes so unbearably painful on some days that I wake up sobbing. I don’t study at home - at all. In fact, I am so behind on school work. I come back in the afternoon, eat, sleep, watch series if any, shower, sleep again. I cry more than I’d like to admit.
This misery started escalating, making its way to school. I still have a perfect average, I thank the universe for gracing me with a somewhat functional brain. Breakdowns and panic-attacks became a norm for me in school. I skipped so many exams because I’d sit in the exam hall and feel like I’m about to suffocate, to die - and that is if I make it to the exam hall in the first place. Other mornings I’d come to class, drop my bag on my desk and then rush to the bathroom to cry. Teachers even started complaining about my attitude. Never did any teacher complain about me throughout all my 15 years of schooling.
I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest ever since it restarted. I dread this. I despise having to say that I am depressed again. It hurts me deeply. It drags me back to a period in my life I thrived to bury, to drown, to get rid of. Sometimes it gets to me. The feeling of failure eats me up. I lose my mind having to think about it, to know that I am back there in that freakish chasm of passionate sadness all over again.
This morning, I went to the hospital to get some blood tests done. This is going to sound absolutely absurd, but I was wholeheartedly wishing that I’d have some kind of vitamin deficiency, thyroid issue or some kind of medical shit that would explain my fatigue, mood swings, depression, and all that jazz. Nothing. I try to explain to the people around me that there is something wrong. This is my body, my mind, my emotions and I know, I am undoubtedly sure that there is something way more prominent than “It’s all in your mind, get rid of it”.
I also know that this is in my hands one way or another and that I play a significant role in how and using what ways I decide to save myself. However, it is easier said than done. I am not the person who wants to stay in bed all the time or the one who skips exams and is afraid to have my heart on my sleeve. I am not one to succumb to pessimism and the truckload of shit life throws my way. I’ve struggled long and hard to dig my way out of this heartache and somewhere along that road I successfully managed to pull through. And now it’s going down again.
I still don’t have a damn clue about the solutions. I don’t know if this is biological, mental, physical, psychological. I’m not sure for how long this will drag on. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this personal essay, I don’t think I had a destination in mind when I decided to finally build up the courage and say that I am back to square one.
I guess the reactions of my surroundings demotivated me. Maybe they pushed me away from feeling invincible and super fuckinh confident to write this like I used to before. And again, I cannot blame people for the way they perceive a certain problem not can I blame them for this chunk in my life. But the eyerolls, the mmhms, the Snap Out Of It, the Khalas You Can Make It, the sarcasm, for a second, made me doubt myself, made me feel stupid and whiny.
Never let anyone belittle your feelings or situation. Never collapse and give in to the agonizing, life-sucking phases of your life. Never doubt yourself. Always be confident. Always stand up for yourself. Always listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Keep fighting. I am with you. Cliché, I know, but truly, I’m here and shoveling through that same pile of crap.
Here’s a genuine thank you to all my loved one who have stayed by side and filled me up with love, surrounded me with safety, and given me strength.
I love you! Kimberly